How to Woo a Guy in Ten Days
by monkaholic
Summary: Andy decided that, if he was going to do this thing with Oscar, then he was going to go the whole nine ‘nards.


**Author's Note: **Originally written directly after 6x01 Gossip

* * *

So… that whole gay or not thing? Andy still hadn't worked that out yet. He was _pretty_ sure he was straight. Because, come on, Andy liked the ladies. He liked the ladies _a lot_. At least, he thought he did. But when he really thought about it, in the four times that he's had sex with women, he was always thinking about other people. Other… _mannish_ people. Like Keanu Reeves. Or Bea Arthur. And during his last encounter with Angela, when he wasn't worrying about keeping his hands 12 inches away from all of her "sinful zones," he found himself wishing that Oscar was there, because Oscar was a fun dude. Much more fun than Angela, even when she was naked. And the fact that he found the idea of sitting on his couch and watching Top Chef with Oscar much more appealing than having sex with Angela should have set off some alarm bell in his head, but it didn't. He just thought that he really liked Oscar. In a non-dude-lovin' sort of way. But then Jim told him he should get laid by a dude, and that was just… sort of appealing but not really? Because Andy liked the ladies. _A lot_. Still though… if he wanted to be sure, then he had to do it, right? And the first guy that came to his mind was Oscar. And not just because Oscar was gay. Andy knew plenty of gay dudes. Like… at least three. But anyway, it wasn't because Oscar was gay. It was because Oscar had sort of become his best friend in the office. Besides Dwight and Jim. And Andy couldn't ask Jim since he had the old ball and chain on his ankle in the form of Pam. And the thought of asking Dwight was just disturbing. Not that he even wanted to _do it_ with those guys. …Maybe Jim. But, no. Oscar. He wanted Oscar. Not… not _wanted_, he just meant that if he had to do this, then Oscar was his man. Or Brad Pitt, whichever one was available.

**Day 1**

Andy decided that, if he was going to do this thing with Oscar, then he was going to go the whole nine 'nards. Pull out all the stops. Make Oscar fall in love with him. He started by planting the idea into his head. Or at least, that had been Andy's intent when he saw him in the break room eating a burrito (which was just _excellent_ for nickname potential, and nicknames represented a close emotional bond, which he and Oscar totally had).

He pulled a chair up next to Oscar and straddled it, his arms resting on the back of it in a super casual manner, and Andy leaned closer to Oscar's face as he said, "Hey, Oscarito."

Oscar sort of choked a little and looked at him with wide eyes. "Did you just combine my name with a burrito?"

Ha! Andy knew he'd like it. "Yeah, awesome, huh?"

Oscar was quiet for a minute, and Andy could feel his smile slipping in the silence, but then Oscar finally shrugged and said, "I guess it's better than Big Burrito."

"Haha! So true. Anyway, you know how we had that whole 'how do I tell if I'm gay' convo the other day?"

Oscar sighed and put down his burrito as he turned to face Andy. "I told you I can't help you with that."

"No, I know! I just… Jim told me I should get laid by a dude."

"He was screwing with you, Andy."

"No, see, normally I would think he was, but I'm pretty sure he was being completely serious. And it makes sense, you know?"

"Do you _want_ to have sex with a man, Andy?"

Andy thought about that for a minute, and honestly, the idea just seemed wrong to him. But what if he liked it? What if his elation during his kiss with Broccoli Rob all those years ago _hadn't_ just been alcohol induced? What if Andy's hands being sweaty every time he was in Oscar's presence had nothing to do with hot flashes? But if those really were hot flashes, then he needed to get that checked out. Seriously.

"Andy?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you… want to have sex with a man?"

"…_A_ man, yes," Andy said with a confidant smile.

"Right…"

"Right," Andy nodded, sure that his hint to Oscar was obvious.

"Well, good luck with that." Oscar went back to eating his burrito.

**Day 2**

_Maybe_ Andy's hint to Oscar hadn't been as obvious as he had thought it was. No matter. Andy had done a little rummaging through Oscar's desk after everyone had left work last night and found out a few things about him, including the very useful fact that Oscar was totally into papier mache (he had found a flyer advertising a papier mache class. Andy didn't even know they had classes for that). So, Andy went to Borders and bought _The Art and Craft of Papier Mache_, and, during his break the next day, very strategically sat with the cover viewable to all as he pretended to be engrossed in the book. In fact, he kind of was really into the book. Who knew that papier mache could be so _fascinating_? He almost didn't notice when Oscar came in and sat down across from him.

"Papier mache, huh?" he asked.

Andy smiled and said, "Yeah. I'm kind of awesome at papier mache. Just reading up to improve my craft."

"God, I can't stand papier mache."

"Whaaaaat?"

"Gil was always trying to get me to take this class with him, but I found the whole thing so nauseating."

"How… _why_?"

Oscar shrugged and said, "It's basically just gluing a bunch of little pieces of paper together. I would hardly call that art."

"But…" Andy looked down at his book helplessly.

"Plus, Gil cheated on me with his instructor, so I'd say that pretty much ruined papier mache for me altogether."

**Day 3**

Okay, so the papier mache thing had been a total bust. But everybody strikes out sometimes, even the old Nard Dawg. This time his plan was flawless, though. Andy's grandmother had always told him after giving him candy that the way to any man's heart was through his stomach, and that was totally true, because Andy loved his grandmother a whole heck of a lot. So Andy found out that Oscar's favorite meal was this sort of taco pie thing and he brought it in for lunch.

"_Hey_ there, Oscarito!" Andy said as he sat down next to him, the pie piping hot.

Oscar was about to sigh, Andy was pretty sure of that, but then he perked up and said, "God, that smells good. Is that Impossible Taco Pie?"

"_Yep_! You wanna piece?"

"Of course I do."

"Awesome. I _knew_ it was your favorite."

"How?"

"Hmm?" Andy said absently as he was concentrating on cutting the perfect piece of pie for his Oscarito.

"How did you know it was my favorite?"

"Oh… well I, I called your mom. Got the recipe from her, actually."

"You… why did you do that?"

"_Because you're my friend_," Andy said slowly, totally baffled at the fact that Oscar didn't seem happy about it.

Oscar really did sigh this time, and Andy braced himself for the shouting that he suspected would come his way. He wasn't sure what he did wrong, but he must have done _something_ wrong judging by the way Oscar was holding the bridge of his nose. But then Oscar just calmly took the plate that Andy offered him and said, "Don't call my mother. If you want to know what my favorite food is, then ask _me_. It's that simple, Andy."

"Understood."

"Good."

They ate their pie together in silence, but Andy was pretty sure he had hit the ball this time. Tapped it, at the very least.

**Day 4**

In fairytales, the damsel in distress always ended up with the guy that whooshed in and saved the day. That had to work with dudesels in distress too, right? So Andy may have put a tack under the back tire of Oscar's car when he wasn't looking. And Andy may have been totally prepared to change that tire for him that evening after Oscar rolled over the tack. And he totally would have changed that tire for him had Giant Devon from the warehouse not been walking by at that precise moment and rushed to Oscar's side before Andy could even nonchalantly get out of his car and say something clever that would make Oscar laugh and fall into his arms with gratitude. And when Andy fumbled with his door handle and stumbled out of his car and put his hand on Devon's shoulder and said, "Don't worry dude, I've got this," Andy may have had trouble swallowing as Devon answered in his freakishly low voice, "No, I don't think you do."

Andy looked over at Oscar and saw him staring dreamily at Devon. Damn it!

**Day 5**

Fridays had been their movie night for a few months now. It was his favorite day of the week, definitely. And if ever there was a time to up the ante and put a move on his Oscarito, it was movie night.

About ten minutes into _Mamma Mia_, Andy (very slyly) put his arm around Oscar's shoulders. When Oscar looked down at Andy's hand resting on his upper arm, Andy panicked and acted like he was reaching for the blanket on the other side of Oscar. As they ate their popcorn, Andy's hand would tingle every time it accidentally brushed against Oscar's in the bowl, and he wondered if the same thing was happening to Oscar. But, judging by the way that Oscar was so engrossed in mocking the entire movie, Andy suspected that he really didn't notice their hands touching.

When Pierce Brosnan started crooning the tunes of ABBA, it was like a dream come true. The awesomest dude singing the awesomest songs from the awesomest band while Andy sat next to the awesomest Oscar in the world. He didn't really understand why Oscar was laughing so hard at The Brosnan that he choked on his popcorn, but hey, it was still cool. And when Andy patted him on the back while he was choking, he may have let his hand linger there longer than he really had to. Oscar didn't seem to notice.

The big duet near the end between The Brosnan and The Streep was so moving that Andy teared up a little and hugged a pillow to his chest. It wasn't a big deal, really. You'd have to be made of like… _iron_ to not cry at that beauty. Oscar, of course, was breathless with laughter.

"Oh my god, this movie is the funniest thing I've ever seen in my entire life."

"Yeah, totally," Andy said weakly.

Oscar looked at him and the laughter in his face slowly died out as he said, "You're crying?"

"Pfft, what? _No_. Me? Please, I am so _not_ crying. 'Cause that would just be—"

"Andy."

"Yeah?"

He slightly flinched as Oscar lifted his hand to Andy's cheek and turned his face to him. Andy let out a shaky breath as Oscar's thumb brushed a tear away, and he really thought that was it. That was going to be the moment that they'd kiss. He even closed his eyes, his heart beating out the tune of "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" (the fast part). But then Oscar simply patted him on his cheek and said, "I'm picking the movie next week."

**Day 6**

On Saturday Andy took Oscar mini golfing, because what's more romantic than mini golf, right? But something was totally wrong with Andy's ball, because he kept missing the hole, while Oscar kept getting the ball in within 3 strokes or something insane like that. That's just… he was cheating, Andy knew he was cheating. He had to be cheating.

"Okay, you're cheating!" he finally shouted on the eighth hole.

Oscar looked at him all deceivingly innocent and said, "I'm not cheating, Andy."

"_Yes_, you are! You are totally cheating!"

"No… you just really suck at mini golf."

"Wha… I… Are you _kidding_? I am like… I'm…" Andy felt his anger dissipate as he finally said, "Yeah, mini golf's not really my sport. I'm more of a hacky sack man."

"Really?" Oscar asked, amusement in his voice.

After dinner at The Waffle House, Andy taught Oscar how to play hacky sack. He was pretty boss. They went at it for _hours_.

**Day 7**

Andy read in _Cosmo_ that nothing makes a guy want you more than playing hard to get. "Be aloof," it said. So, Andy didn't call Oscar at all on Sunday. He wanted to when Desperate Housewives came on, but… he stuck to his guns.

**Day 8**

The office celebrated Kelly's birthday at Poor Richard's on karaoke night. It was _amazing_, and not just because Michael sang "Love Games" by Lady Gaga and dedicated it to Ryan. After much coaxing, Andy had convinced Oscar to sing a duet with him. Oscar totally had a thing for Dirty Dancing, and Andy knew that he would never be able to resist "Time of My Life." They even did the dance moves. They totally kicked ass… except for the part where Andy fell over when he was supposed to lift Oscar into the air. Best part, though? Andy got to be Patrick Swayze. It was pretty awesome.

**Day 9**

Andy was _pretty_ excited. He had bought tickets to "Jersey Boys" for the weekend, and he knew that Oscar would freak in his reserved Oscary way. They'd been talking about going to see it for weeks. So, when Andy presented the tickets to him in the break room, he so wasn't expecting Oscar to look at him with an apologetic smile and say, "That's… that's great Andy, but I… well, I have a date on Saturday."

Andy's face froze into a horrified smile and he suddenly found it hard to swallow as it felt like his heart had just been stomped on by the entire cast of Lord of the Dance. "What?" was all he could manage to say.

"I have a date. With Devon."

Andy's eyes narrowed, and he could feel his mouth moving and his breath definitely passed out of it, but he just couldn't find _words_.

"Are you okay?" Oscar asked.

That seemed to do the trick. "No! How… _HOW_ could you go out with THE INCREDIBLE _FREAKING_ HULK?"

"What? He is not even close to being The Incredible Hulk, Andy."

"Are you _kidding_ me? If The Incredible Hulk needed a stunt double, he'd call Devon!"

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

"His _bicep_ is bigger than my _freaking_ head!"

"Andy, calm down."

"No, no, I will _not_ calm down! And do you know why?" Andy pursed his lips, seriously hoping Oscar had a clue.

Oscar sighed and said, "No, but please tell me, I'm dying to know." Andy was pretty sure that was sarcasm.

"Come _on_, Oscar. I have been trying to hint to you for the past _two weeks_ that I like you in a dude-lovin' sort of way, but obviously you've been too busy being the most oblivious man in the UNIVERSE to notice!"

Oscar looked like he was about to laugh as he said, "Wait, _you're_ calling _me_ the most oblivious man in the universe? Seriously?"

"YES!" Andy huffed. He threw the tickets down in front of Oscar and stomped out of the room.

**Day 10**

Andy was totally done being gay. For some reason, he felt worse than when he had found out that Angela had been cheating on him with Dwight. It was just… he never should have fallen in love with his best friend. Not… he wasn't _in love_ with Oscar. He meant that he never should have thought about having sex with his best friend. There were just some things that best friends didn't do, and that was one of them. He should have known better. He should have just stuck with women, because at least with them, his heart didn't hurt quite as much. But then again, maybe it was just _Oscar_ that made him feel like this. Because he was pretty sure that if he had set his sights on Michael or Dwight or Ryan or Broccoli Rob, or even Jim, the pain wouldn't have felt like this.

In the kitchen, when Andy was despondently fixing his morning tea (usually a joyful experience), he felt a tap on his shoulder. He sighed and turned around, barely registering that it was Oscar before one hand grabbed his face and the other his neck, and suddenly he had a pair of warm lips pressed against his. Andy only hesitated for a moment or two, and then he smiled against Oscar's lips and pulled him closer. He had to admit, no kiss in his entire life had ever felt that awesome.

When they pulled apart, both gasping to catch their breath, Oscar said, "That's all you had to do, Andy. It's that simple."

"Understood."

"Good."

They kissed again. And again. _And_ again. Andy so wasn't done being gay.


End file.
